Going Forward.

I am intentionally writing this here because I need my thoughts to exist in a place other than the kink social media black hole that is Fetlife. If you have any questions about who the person is I am referencing, please do not hesitate to ask.

I’m not part of the old guard. 

A lot of shit gets attributed to the “old guard”. Frankly, if I was a member of the old guard who’d been doing the work for ages I’d be a little embarrassed. 

I’ve been in the scene about nine? Ten years? And I understand that things have changed. That once upon a time two men playing together was frowned upon. That two women, even something that in a lot of circles is a male crowd pleaser, was taboo. No one was asking what your pronouns were. That parties were once a lot whiter, and a lot older, that before a lot of people didn’t speak up. They just disappeared. 

I’ve said before – in both public and private, that the scene is merely a microcosm of our society. Our weird rituals and tendencies aside, we have a lot of the same problems the rest of the world does. They don’t go away because we share a fetish. People might break your heart. They might be careless. Maybe they’re mean, maybe they’re selfish. 

Maybe they’re misogynistic and racist with zero consequences. 

Visible progress comes and goes the same way – we’re not at the same place we were twenty years ago, sure. But when you look at where we are now, are you satisfied? I’m not. 

This is pretty much for those wondering “how did we get here”. For those reminiscing about the good ole days – it’s easy. Someone reached their breaking point. Glad I could clear that up for you.

This is for the people who were directly hurt. You didn’t deserve this. It’s not your fault. 

My intent isn’t to lay out every microagression that’s ever been hurled at me since joining the scene. If you’re reading recent fetlife posts, you know who is being referenced: A prominent party organizer from the midwest who throws both his own national parties and assists in the planning of others. I don’t have a personal story to share. He was always friendly to me. We even played a few times. I have been in his home. Which is why I feel particularly sick. I wonder did everyone know? 

I didn’t think he was perfect. There was a time when I thought he was much more pure – I’d seen and heard about his fund raising efforts, how he was always organizing. I don’t really remember where it started – but eventually I woke up, or people around me did. It was disappointing but I heard that he could be shallow, misogynistic.  Not in depth the way that other people have shared, more in the “locker room talk” sort of way. That sometimes his ego got the best of him. That he could be a bit of a dick. And I didn’t like it – but I brushed it away. I spoke about this to someone recently, how I treated the parties like a brand. Take Amazon for example. You know the owner kind of sucks, but it’s super convenient. The convenience in this case was seeing my friends who all lived in different parts of the country. I wasn’t there to spend time with him, and I didn’t have to do anything other than be cordial, pay my party fee, and have a good time. 

I wonder if the idea that some people were a little misogynistic seemed like a given, considering that we are in a community binded by physical acts. 

Fast forward to the past couple of months. Stories of mistreatment from multiple former partners. Fat shaming, belittling, manipulation. Finding out that he used a racial slur about a supposed friend. That he called his cleaning lady a nigger, that he used these terms regularly. Said black people were less intelligent. Talked about playing with plus size women as ‘pity play’ – something to get out of the way early on in the party. Knew that a friend had violated the consent of multiple women. Gave this person a slap on the wrist, then went on to elect this person as a staff member at his parties. That he gets a little drunk and says a few racist things.

I’ve been in this person’s house. I worry that the mistreatment of women may be explained away now that he is married, that he is not that person anymore, that he has grown. That he has “learned so much.”

No one is perfect. But why do we have to wait for people to be taught. I can accept the obligatory statuses from white people realizing what microagressions they commit on a regular basis without realizing? What is the explanation for saying black people are intellectually inferior? What is the explanation for the slurs, including the creative ones he made up to use in mixed company? What is the explanation for listening to victims share their trauma, only for their abusers to be invited back again and again.

I’ve said before that people deserve parties, they deserve community where they can be their best selves and engage with like minded individuals. And they do. They also deserve safety, both emotional and physical. They deserve to attend an event without the fear that they won’t see a person who abused them attending with them, or worse, organizing. They deserve to go to a party and not think “I wonder if I’m one of the people this host called a nigger”. He claims he didn’t say this, but as he has directly admitted to using another racial slur, and repeated other things out of context, I have my doubts. If seeing this written out makes you feel uncomfortable, good.

Because this is also for the people who knew what was happening and didn’t speak up. You can’t undo the damage, but your actions going forward will make a difference. Don’t let yourself be a safe haven for racism, for misogyny, for abuse. Enough accepting the bare minimum. We have a long way to go.