Recently I had a conversation with my boyfriend where I admitted what must be my most ridiculous spanko related thought. I recalled a time when I was sitting in a bookstore and someone asked me about the area – directions, fun things to do, etc. I helped him, but then he asked me if I wanted to join him. I declined, and to this day I remember a specific regret. What if I could’ve gotten him to spank me?

I had a similar thought process when I was in college – before classes even started. I was at a party for orientation week, discussing my classes. A classmate offered to lend me books from his room, and again, I declined. I have at least a dozen more experiences like these – I could write a book called The Spankings That Never Were. Honestly, I think my brain just assigned spankings with potential casual sex?

This should go without saying, but all this was before I entered the spanking scene. At the time of the first ‘would be’ incident, I’d yet to have sex. Or a general grip on reality. And I realize how crazy it sounds when I say it out loud, I do. My boyfriend went on to say that he was glad that this did not actually happen, because it’s not safe to go off with strangers* etc.

There is no reason why a complete stranger I met in a bookstore would spank me. But when you’re young and you have all these “weird” desires and fantasies that won’t go away, you start to get desperate.

When I first started attending parties, I had a ‘never say no’ attitude. I think this was in part, due to socialization (women tend to struggle more with saying no) but more because I was afraid I wouldn’t have the chance again. After all, I’d wanted it so badly, so who was I to turn that down?

In my early scene days, I expressed to a friend that I wish I got spanked everyday. She said that it wouldn’t be as special if it happened daily, and I conceded to her point.

After all, I was familiar with the feelings of waiting for a party to come up: flirting in the way that only spankos can, the anticipation of getting what you want and simultaneously fearing it. These sensations were so new to me. All your life, you will learn/hear/read about love and heartbreak and jitters. But you don’t learn about platonic romance and dates that are kinda hookups but often don’t involve sex.

That’s something the scene has granted me that I couldn’t get anywhere else. This past weekend, I explained to my boyfriend how I didn’t have a crush on a popular top friend of mine, but that I was attracted to them, and how I differentiate from the two. I can have a play crush on someone but no romantic interest in them (I’ve had a few of these).**

It’s exciting that seven years later, I’m still figuring out the best way to verbalize these situations. Not just relationships, but other interactions – I’m still looking for the best words to turn people down. To say what I need, what I don’t want.

{Today if a stranger approached me in a bookstore asking to hang out, I would still say no. A) Being curled up in a bookstore is underrated and B) I’m not into wandering off with strangers outside of spanking parties.}

And the novelty hasn’t worn off. I don’t have debilitating anxiety before parties anymore, but that’s a plus. I spend more time socializing sitting or standing than across someone’s knee. The platonic connections that I build are just as important to me, because I learned how impactful community can be.

Even when I was lucky enough to get my otherwise vanilla partners to spank me, I hadn’t really told anyone about my fetish. It’s one thing to like a few swats during or before sex and it’s a completely other to enjoy the ritual of spanking, to find yourself thinking about it nonstop. So when I finally met up with someone, I thought it was going to be this private, occasional thing. That I would be someone else here.

But when you find a group of people that share your secret, it’s incredibly difficult to assume a new identity. The weird thing you’ve been trying to hide is the same as everyone else there. And once you’re in, it’s harder to stay away.

These days, if a new person asked me for advice, I would tell them to not to be afraid to say no. I don’t have scene regret – every experience has been meaningful in that I’ve had the opportunity to share a part of myself that once terrified me. However, it’s much better when it’s what you really want – this one person will not be your last chance, so if they aren’t working for you, you don’t have to force it. This thing we do comes with growing pains, but with the right people, nothing feels forced. You realize this is where you needed to be all along.

*I didn’t point out that this is technically what I did with him

**i will 100 percent expand on this on a later date because I’ve put THOUGHT into this, more than what is probably even necessary.

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